Dear Europe,

Listen now, for I am Kathleen Ni Houlihane, the ghost of Old Ireland, and I have something to say to the great leaders of Europe (formerly Christendom):

I hear ye are at it again? Are ye? Trying to put all Europe and us poor Atlantic islands under the one government. Will ye ever let up on that at all? I've seen it all before, so I have. For, though I flatter myself I do not look it, I am thousands of years old. And I am a ghost, so time means little to me.

I remember Caesar at it, he had it all sewn up from the Holy Land to Africa and Germania and all the way to England. But he never got his lustful paws on me, whatever rumours you may have heard. He chanced sending a few legions over here alright, but my lovely brave boys gave them short shrift of it. As did their Caledonian cousins above.

I've seen it all before, so I have. Charlemagne next, trying to gobble up the lot. Then the Arabs tried it from Spain, and the Turks even got in to to Austria. Then that upstart Bonaparte chanced his arm too (oh, I do like my little jokes), but really; enough now, ye are an awful shower. An awful shower ye are. And sure wasn't it only yesterday the Germans tried it? Oh it broke my heart it did to those poor people by the millions gathered up and murdered. Then the Sovi-yokes tried it. Oh would ye ever stop it at all. There was always some auld excuse: It was always for the greater good, ye said, or for the true faith ye said, or for the best race, or for the workers. Oh, always for the best reasons. Lord bless us and save us, not that ye believe in Him any more, ye awful shower, ye never go to Mass and the few of ye that goes to Mass, goes to Mass in a Mosque.

But now I hear ye have the cheek to say it is for democracy and for peace. That's fierce cheeky coming from ye. Peace!? Didn't I see ye at it? Ye killed 55 million people only 60 years ago. Ye killed 20 million a few years before that. And ye've always had kings and princes to put down the simple folk, and always with the same story: "we" know what's best for the small people. Oh, there's always a ruling elite trying to take over the whole shop. Peace me arse.

And democracy? That's fierce cheeky coming from ye. Sure didn't I hear it only the other day from those lovely folk form the east, there's thousands of them live on my island now, lovely folk. You know the ones, the ones who drink the clear whiskey?

They never saw sight nor sound of democracy until 1990. I heard it from their very mouths. The Spaniards not till the 1982. Germany not till 1952, one bit, t'other 1990. And only after a dalliance with yet another dictator did Holland, Belgium, Norway, France all tried it return to the old democracy in the late 1940s. But ye are not long at the democracy at all. Not compared to me.

Even that auld bugger John Bull has been at the democracy for yonks, (and I'm afraid to say I use the term bugger all too literally, as he has been ravishing me for centuries and let me say his, ahem, geography isn't all that good). But even mean old John Bull is better at the democracy then ye. Ye are an awful shower who are only practising at the democracy. And ye are not the best at it either, the truth be told.

Do ye know that most of my children live not on my island? Most of them sailed far away to Amerikay, and to Canada, and Van Diemens land or whatever they call it nowadays. And they are better at the democracy than ye too, even if ye say they are eejits. But the boys of Amerikay are no fools, for did they not fly all the way to the moon?

Tis ye are the fools if ye do not know by now, after thousands of years, that the lovely peoples of lovely Europe are amazing and different and will never be the one people. But they will get on grand if ye leave them alone to be friends and to do their business in peace.

But don't start on about the peace and democracy to me again, or ye'll get me fierce cross. Ye have done it now - that's it, I have the fiery red hair for a reason and listen to me know for I am Kathleeen Ni Houlihane, the ghost of Old Ireland, and I have something to say to ye, if ye did not hear me the first time:

No.

Is mise le meas,

Ms. K. Ni Houlihane, Tara, Co Meath